Took some pills in attempt to sleep, my thoughts, they torment me at night. I can no longer just fall asleep or roll around in the sheets with the hope of eventually closing my eyes. No. Not anymore.
You see my whole perspective on life was taken and turned the fuck around. People that I before respected. Now get my stomach churning and in me is an anger like I’ve never felt in my heart before. I clench my fist and dig my nails as far into my hand as possible until it hurts. Because I need to remember that this hatred that I feel is only seen and felt by me apparently, because to everyone else the problem already faded away. Just like any other day.
What am I to do though? I saw it. Heard it. Fuck I even tried to ignore it. but it happened so close to me. There was so much I could of done. Yet there was this barrier, the one that I knew would stop me. I questioned everything and lost myself. My morals, My history , My innocence.
It hurts to say it. Its as off all my emotions have been drained out of me. All in one night. it didn’t matter how much I tried to ignore the problem. Pillows,covers, headphones… No matter how much I squeezed my stuffed animal, rocky.
Damn it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I became angrier by the second. Angry at them, but most importantly angry at myself. I lost my breath.. and in my head i thought ‘I don’t wanna be here i need to leave’. I had a mind block. i couldn’t move, my arms began to twitch. I couldn’t even control the tears that by this time just ran down my face.
I wasn’t in danger and yet I felt so scared. My mind just did not feel the same, something, somewhere in my head had changed. I felt a stranger to the world around me. The anger had taken over.
I shouted and got out the room and collapsed into myself against the wall, smacking my eyes in pure fucking disbelief of what I had just witnessed. they told me it was “normal” or “it happens” As if what I had just felt, I was meant to accept. Fuck that. NO.
I can’t even begin to express my feelings. In my vocabulary I find nothing that can just so merely explain it. Im burnt out emotionally. I feel like i have been absolutely drained. Tired of my brain fucking putting that shit on fucking Replay. Over and Over and over and over again.
The thoughts at night are unbearable. I have nowhere to escape them…because as my headphones drown out the sound. A vivid dream comes, one where I can’t just turn up the volume. Nope… Its just there painted so clearly. I can see it even when I close my eyes.
I can see it.
There is no longer any escape from the night. I just lie down on my bed. Fear to not only think but to dream.
Its everywhere I turn.
YOU know you are fucked when you can’t bare to hear your own thoughts and going to sleep at night becomes your enemy.